I’m tired. Let me be honest

What if I become nothing? I grew up with my own flaming dreams I’ve planned before. I know roads must be rocky and some of our plans would be shattered. I mean, everyone will fail sometimes, but I don’t want my future to be created by someone else. If I fail, I’d decide my own road. I am not dumb. I am not stupid. But what if I glow under my parents’ shadow? I hate to live someone’s dream. I have my own road. But what if I got none from mine? What’s the use if I stay alive?

But I think, even being in this world is useless either. What for? Rock exists too, anyone will never notice they exist. What about me as a human with no dreams of my own still existing, what for?

I hate just staying in this place. What for, if my parents wanted me to be a smart person then why they ended up want me to create this fucking family’s dream? I don’t like being smart only, maybe I’ve gone too far: I’m becoming critical. They want me to be a rich person, have my own house, drive a fancy car, but have to be a feminine woman that is submissive even being abused. I planned my own dreams, I freed my own life from an abuser like my ex, but ended up nothing. What for? No one could answer my question. 

I hate just staying breathing, praying. I want my own life. I want my own life with no marriage. I want my own life with no children. I want my own life without this cold family. My family is just thinking about their ambitious dream to be rich. But I simply want to live my own life not nurturing my mom’s anymore like I used to when she got abused and I was the only kid who had to accompany her. I was an adult when I was a kid who had to separate my parents from fighting each other. Now, I hate myself still being an adult who had to make their dream come true.

I REALLY WANT MY OWN LIFE SO BAD.

What for, if I stay alive?

What’s the meaning of staying alive, if my dreams are gone?